The Horrible, Horrible English Premier League

In The Shadows of Manchester United's Boy Band

Despite being one of the chief anti-Chelsea protaganistas of this good world we know, The Italian Spot has looked on with a sense of mild bemusement and surprise, like Guillermo Franco watching one of his shots go in, as the collective football world ignores the juggernaut that is The Chelsea Russian Football Association (better known under the official UEFA moniko of CHELSKI).

All the cry is of Manchester United and their part-time boy band member, Cristiano Ronaldo, whose stepovers, almost as lethal as the stench of his hairgel and the glitter of his bling, have left Europe in a drooling mess. And that was before Roma. The very night the Blues from London managed a fine second-half win at Mestalla, they were overshadowed by Ronaldo, Rooney, and some chap called Smith, apparently called into the squad in the last minute, found playing in the dark corner of a Yorkshire bookshop.

One has to feel almost sorry for Chelsea, as Manchester United stubbornly steal all the headlines, especially with Rio Ferdinand in such fine goalscoring form (are you watching Guille?). Let's not forget that Chelsea also are gunning for the treble, as long as all goes well against Blackburn. The Italian Spot even felt a slight pang of pity for the Blues, watching them madly celebrate Essien's brilliant goal rewarding Mourinho's tactical genius in Valencia. It remembered, somewhat belatedly, that Chelsea players are human too (excepting Cashley Hole) and want to win just as much as Roman wants his oil, and Ronaldo his icecream, to quote the rather fine La Liga Loca.

The EPL- Europe's "Premier" League, Minus The Entertainment

We're going to take a short intermission here, and allow time for the audience to find and throw rocks, rotten tomatos, Fabio Capello's sense of humour and any other blunt object that can be found, at the muppets and prats currently advocating English football.

Admittedly, yes, there are three English clubs in the last four of the Chumps League, but that is really where the depth ends. A quick look at Chelsea's team sheet shows about 3 Englishmen who play regularly, Liverpool have more Spaniards, Argentines and Chileans than Valencia and Villarreal combined (quite an achievement) and Manchester United, well, they're excused, having a respectably balanced squad. A further look down the table reveals a riff-raff of teams that Osasuna, Sevilla, Lazio, Sampdoria, Leverkusen, Kobenhagen, Toulouse and FC Sporting would happily put to shame. Everton, riding high in the EPL, are about as good as a girl's blouse in Europe, and watching Bolton any more than one has to is about as enjoyable as itching one's eye with a rusty nail. Middlesborough got themselves onto the UEFA Cup grand stage only to realise they were better at table tennis (0-4), and West Ham, despite defeating the pinking mans Palermo, are crap. (Ed: who else can spend so much and lose 3-0 to, err, Sheffield United? Don't they play in League 2?) And that's without mentioning the footballing dream teams of Fulham, Newcastle and Charlton.

All this, in The Mighty English Premier League, the World's best league, if you are one of Sky Sport's delusional minions. And all because of these apparently "English" clubs in the UEFA CL final four. Never mind that three of the 2007 UEFA Cup semi finalists are Spanish, and all got there in some style, or that a few years ago three of the four CL semifinalists were Italian. As the magnificent UEFA Champions magazine showed, the EPL is a league which has all but destroyed the need for a magnificent No10. A long hard look will reveal that Joe Cole, England's only true No10, is not allowed the freedom to play the beautiful game as he should be, and Luís Garcia, another in the Zico mould, has to adapt every Saturday to avoid ending up in hospital. Teams like Chelsea get on quite happily, Terry booting to Drogba, Drogba dropping the defender like 3rd period French and then powering the ball, and the goalkeeper, through the back of the net.

Ahhhh..... the brutality of boredom of the EPL. Why watch Zidane, Kaká, De La Peña or Juninho when Man Citeh vs Watford is in full swing?

Unlucky Loser of the Week

The Italian Spot, for having a wonderful Italian Football blogspot, filled today with everything but Italian football.

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