Sunday, April 15, 2007
The Horrible, Horrible English Premier League
In The Shadows of Manchester United's Boy Band
Despite being one of the chief anti-Chelsea protaganistas of this good world we know, The Italian Spot has looked on with a sense of mild bemusement and surprise, like Guillermo Franco watching one of his shots go in, as the collective football world ignores the juggernaut that is The Chelsea Russian Football Association (better known under the official UEFA moniko of CHELSKI).
All the cry is of Manchester United and their part-time boy band member, Cristiano Ronaldo, whose stepovers, almost as lethal as the stench of his hairgel and the glitter of his bling, have left Europe in a drooling mess. And that was before Roma. The very night the Blues from London managed a fine second-half win at Mestalla, they were overshadowed by Ronaldo, Rooney, and some chap called Smith, apparently called into the squad in the last minute, found playing in the dark corner of a Yorkshire bookshop.
One has to feel almost sorry for Chelsea, as Manchester United stubbornly steal all the headlines, especially with Rio Ferdinand in such fine goalscoring form (are you watching Guille?). Let's not forget that Chelsea also are gunning for the treble, as long as all goes well against Blackburn. The Italian Spot even felt a slight pang of pity for the Blues, watching them madly celebrate Essien's brilliant goal rewarding Mourinho's tactical genius in Valencia. It remembered, somewhat belatedly, that Chelsea players are human too (excepting Cashley Hole) and want to win just as much as Roman wants his oil, and Ronaldo his icecream, to quote the rather fine La Liga Loca.
The EPL- Europe's "Premier" League, Minus The Entertainment
We're going to take a short intermission here, and allow time for the audience to find and throw rocks, rotten tomatos, Fabio Capello's sense of humour and any other blunt object that can be found, at the muppets and prats currently advocating English football.
Admittedly, yes, there are three English clubs in the last four of the Chumps League, but that is really where the depth ends. A quick look at Chelsea's team sheet shows about 3 Englishmen who play regularly, Liverpool have more Spaniards, Argentines and Chileans than Valencia and Villarreal combined (quite an achievement) and Manchester United, well, they're excused, having a respectably balanced squad. A further look down the table reveals a riff-raff of teams that Osasuna, Sevilla, Lazio, Sampdoria, Leverkusen, Kobenhagen, Toulouse and FC Sporting would happily put to shame. Everton, riding high in the EPL, are about as good as a girl's blouse in Europe, and watching Bolton any more than one has to is about as enjoyable as itching one's eye with a rusty nail. Middlesborough got themselves onto the UEFA Cup grand stage only to realise they were better at table tennis (0-4), and West Ham, despite defeating the pinking mans Palermo, are crap. (Ed: who else can spend so much and lose 3-0 to, err, Sheffield United? Don't they play in League 2?) And that's without mentioning the footballing dream teams of Fulham, Newcastle and Charlton.
All this, in The Mighty English Premier League, the World's best league, if you are one of Sky Sport's delusional minions. And all because of these apparently "English" clubs in the UEFA CL final four. Never mind that three of the 2007 UEFA Cup semi finalists are Spanish, and all got there in some style, or that a few years ago three of the four CL semifinalists were Italian. As the magnificent UEFA Champions magazine showed, the EPL is a league which has all but destroyed the need for a magnificent No10. A long hard look will reveal that Joe Cole, England's only true No10, is not allowed the freedom to play the beautiful game as he should be, and Luís Garcia, another in the Zico mould, has to adapt every Saturday to avoid ending up in hospital. Teams like Chelsea get on quite happily, Terry booting to Drogba, Drogba dropping the defender like 3rd period French and then powering the ball, and the goalkeeper, through the back of the net.
Ahhhh..... the brutality of boredom of the EPL. Why watch Zidane, Kaká, De La Peña or Juninho when Man Citeh vs Watford is in full swing?
Unlucky Loser of the Week
The Italian Spot, for having a wonderful Italian Football blogspot, filled today with everything but Italian football.
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Abuse, questions, comments and conspiracies to: theitalianspot@yahoo.com
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
The Very Late Heroes and Zeros
Heroes
Andrés Iniesta
Another well-taken goal from the Ghost of Albacete was enough to send half of Spain into raptures, and the other half into the depths of despair (see below). Honourable mention to Señor David Villa, whose excellent pass through a crowded box sent his nicely-tanned teammate into such space that even Maxi Lopez could have scored. Well, a mild exaggeration, but you get the point.
Gennaro Gattuso/Marco Materazzi
Two thumbs-up to the two hard men of Italian/world football, who, in turn, gave two fingers up to the Italian press, for their "butchering" of Roberto Donadoni. Materazzi was particularly scathing, much to the delight of The Italian Spot, who is of the firm belief that any national media that can fabricate stories out of jack squat nothing deserve a decent kick-in-the-butt.
Fabio Quagliarella
"That was no fluke!" the Sampdoria man tried to tell the world, of his 40-metre back-to-goal turn-and-shoot effort against Chievo. An entirely foolish and pigheaded claim, until one realises that approximately 65% of Quagliarella's goals have been scored from inside his own 18-yard box, a record only bettered by another sharpshooter from England, one Paul Robinson.
Empoli
A fine win against the might of Ascoli, the Real Sociedad of Italy, to regain 5th spot and thus keep alive their delusional dreams of European football and money-spinning rewards. Like Chievo a few years ago, who now seem to perpetually warm the relegation spots.
David Healy
Another two goals for the Belfast man sent Northern Ireland to the top of the group standings, despite the combined best efforts of the footballing superpowers of Sweden, Denmark, Lithuania and, err, Spain. Memorable moments include the 3-2 demolition of said Spain, and the 0-3 capitulation to Iceland, who in turn were beaten by Spain. Quite a nice wee love-triangle going on here for anybody who wants to work out who, in fact, is the winner out of all of that.
Philippe Mexes
An fabulous goal from the French number5 to celebrate his 25th birthday. A run-and-hit volley from a corner to put his Roma side in front no doubt had the collective mouths of the Real Madrid jefes watering.
Hernan Crespo
Another game, another goal, another win. Boring, but terribly effective. The former Parma, Inter, Chelsea and Milan man is on top form, and if he hadn't chosen the blue over the red earlier this season, the terribly unbiased Italian Spot would be singing his praises.
Simone Loria
A 5th goal of the season from the Atalanta defender rescued the Orobici from defeat and registered a 2-2 comeback draw with Fiorentina. A fine effort considering the men from Bergamo were celebrating their centenary, as a loss at home to men who wear pink shirts was perhaps not in the script.
Lazio, and 15 t-shirt man
Seven consecutive wins is hardly a bad effort. Nor is wearing 15 t-shirts into the stadium, as Channel 4 reported one fan to have done. He consequently took them all off (but left his pants on, mind you) and handed them out to make a banner rebelling against the new rules implemented by the Italian FA.
Zeros
Andrés Iniesta
A terrible mistake by the Spanish midfielder in the 79th minute, which resulted in the ball being in the back of the Icelanders net and, by the law of consequences, Luís Aragones in his job, for another three months. Had the fake-tan sponsored Barcelona man contrived to miss, Spain would be staring at a respectable 0-0 draw against Iceland (given recent results), and a new manager in the hotseat. Iniesta's selfish thirst for personal glory has instead left the nation teetering on the brink of elimination despite the win, having saved his mediocre manager from certain doom.
Aldo Spinelli
The hotheaded Livorno president had to endure a horrible 90 minutes at the Picchi. Not only were his team winning comfortably, the man inspiring them was none other than Cristano Lucarelli, previously slammed by his chief for being "too influential". Signore Lucarelli happily backed up Spinelli's latest idiotic ramble by netting a hat trick in the 4-1 demolition of Catania, taking his Serie A goal tally to 100.
The Italian Spot
For running late, and keeping its legions of fans salivating desperately for their weekly idols and schmidles. And for very pessimistically prophecying losses for both Italia and España, and being proved wrong in both, though hardly convincingly so.
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Questions, comments and conspiracies to: theitalianspot@yahoo.com
Andrés Iniesta
Another well-taken goal from the Ghost of Albacete was enough to send half of Spain into raptures, and the other half into the depths of despair (see below). Honourable mention to Señor David Villa, whose excellent pass through a crowded box sent his nicely-tanned teammate into such space that even Maxi Lopez could have scored. Well, a mild exaggeration, but you get the point.
Gennaro Gattuso/Marco Materazzi
Two thumbs-up to the two hard men of Italian/world football, who, in turn, gave two fingers up to the Italian press, for their "butchering" of Roberto Donadoni. Materazzi was particularly scathing, much to the delight of The Italian Spot, who is of the firm belief that any national media that can fabricate stories out of jack squat nothing deserve a decent kick-in-the-butt.
Fabio Quagliarella
"That was no fluke!" the Sampdoria man tried to tell the world, of his 40-metre back-to-goal turn-and-shoot effort against Chievo. An entirely foolish and pigheaded claim, until one realises that approximately 65% of Quagliarella's goals have been scored from inside his own 18-yard box, a record only bettered by another sharpshooter from England, one Paul Robinson.
Empoli
A fine win against the might of Ascoli, the Real Sociedad of Italy, to regain 5th spot and thus keep alive their delusional dreams of European football and money-spinning rewards. Like Chievo a few years ago, who now seem to perpetually warm the relegation spots.
David Healy
Another two goals for the Belfast man sent Northern Ireland to the top of the group standings, despite the combined best efforts of the footballing superpowers of Sweden, Denmark, Lithuania and, err, Spain. Memorable moments include the 3-2 demolition of said Spain, and the 0-3 capitulation to Iceland, who in turn were beaten by Spain. Quite a nice wee love-triangle going on here for anybody who wants to work out who, in fact, is the winner out of all of that.
Philippe Mexes
An fabulous goal from the French number5 to celebrate his 25th birthday. A run-and-hit volley from a corner to put his Roma side in front no doubt had the collective mouths of the Real Madrid jefes watering.
Hernan Crespo
Another game, another goal, another win. Boring, but terribly effective. The former Parma, Inter, Chelsea and Milan man is on top form, and if he hadn't chosen the blue over the red earlier this season, the terribly unbiased Italian Spot would be singing his praises.
Simone Loria
A 5th goal of the season from the Atalanta defender rescued the Orobici from defeat and registered a 2-2 comeback draw with Fiorentina. A fine effort considering the men from Bergamo were celebrating their centenary, as a loss at home to men who wear pink shirts was perhaps not in the script.
Lazio, and 15 t-shirt man
Seven consecutive wins is hardly a bad effort. Nor is wearing 15 t-shirts into the stadium, as Channel 4 reported one fan to have done. He consequently took them all off (but left his pants on, mind you) and handed them out to make a banner rebelling against the new rules implemented by the Italian FA.
Zeros
Andrés Iniesta
A terrible mistake by the Spanish midfielder in the 79th minute, which resulted in the ball being in the back of the Icelanders net and, by the law of consequences, Luís Aragones in his job, for another three months. Had the fake-tan sponsored Barcelona man contrived to miss, Spain would be staring at a respectable 0-0 draw against Iceland (given recent results), and a new manager in the hotseat. Iniesta's selfish thirst for personal glory has instead left the nation teetering on the brink of elimination despite the win, having saved his mediocre manager from certain doom.
Aldo Spinelli
The hotheaded Livorno president had to endure a horrible 90 minutes at the Picchi. Not only were his team winning comfortably, the man inspiring them was none other than Cristano Lucarelli, previously slammed by his chief for being "too influential". Signore Lucarelli happily backed up Spinelli's latest idiotic ramble by netting a hat trick in the 4-1 demolition of Catania, taking his Serie A goal tally to 100.
The Italian Spot
For running late, and keeping its legions of fans salivating desperately for their weekly idols and schmidles. And for very pessimistically prophecying losses for both Italia and España, and being proved wrong in both, though hardly convincingly so.
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Questions, comments and conspiracies to: theitalianspot@yahoo.com
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