Paolo Maldini "Does A Figo"

Luís Aragones, Interviewed At Baboon.com

Another week has come and gone, and it's time to stare into next week's crystal ball and stun the world with The Italian Spot's amazing skills of prediction and prophecy. Or the ability to fix matches. This week appears to be a no-brainer, given there's only really two matches to analyze, and one of them includes Scotland. Anyone with any sense (or connections to Luciano Moggi) would be putting their money on a side packed with World Cup Winners, Champion's League Finalists and Golden Ball winners. Except Scotland have none of the above, yet are still no doubt destined to win.

Onto Spain, meanwhile, and the game becomes a little easier. Despite the individual brilliance of Señores Iniesta, Puyol, Villa, Silva, Xavi Alonso, Morientes, Ramos, Raúl, Fabregas, Casillas, Reyes, Xavi, Fernando Torres(???), Capdevila and every other player in the squad with an 'X' in their name, the team, as a whole, is pants. Luís Aragones doesn't help the situation by being a complete prat, mind you. His only effort of any significance this week was to snuffle away to Radio Marca in such indecipherable Spanish even the linguistic marvels of The Italian Spot couldn't make Arthur or Martha of it. Considering he once infamously called Henry a monkey, Aragones' more-than-passing resemblance to a ruffled baboon is mildly amusing, and deeply ironic. Bernd Schuster for Spain? Why not. Anyone brave enough to sport a 'tashe that big must have the balls to kick out the underperformers who drag down the rest of the squad. Pity he'll be managing our 1970's Military Bus next season.

Internazionale- Europe's Fastest Growing Country

With the number of new signings being close to the average immigration stats for a small European country, Inter fans can almost be forgiven for forgetting exactly who's in their team. The number of South Americans, for one thing, can make for a headache, particularly when The Italian Spot was watching Inter vs Villarreal last season, and wondering how it had stumbled into the Copa Libertadores when it was watching the UEFA CL only moments before. In another revelation, the latest poll by Gazzetta.it revealed over 70% of Inter fans were unaware of yesterdays double-signing of Paolo Maldini and Andrey Shevchenko.

Meanwhile, despite the new arrivals, patron Massimo Moratti is said to be thinking of clearing out the squad. This came following allegations every inn and manger in Ascoli was booked out for last weekend's visit of some 7690 Inter officials, over half of these reported to be the first team squad.

Capello Misses The (Military) Bus?

After some consultation with The Italian Spot (see last post), Real President and, err, 'lawyer' Ramon Calderon has given Capello the bump, according to reports from Italy, however fictitious they may be. Reports the scowling Italian is heading to Chelsea in a Jose M-swap were greeted with about as much excitement as the news that Steve McClaren has survived another week in charge of the most boring football team on the planet.

---

Questions, comments and conspiracies to: theitalianspot@yahoo.com

Unlucky Loser Of The Week

Fabio Capello- Europe's Finest?

"Is this the most stylish man in football?" asked the latest Champions edition, of Fabio Capello. The words: regimented, Emerson, paint-drying, double pivot and ineffective flashed before The Italian Spot's stunned eyes as it struggled to comprehend just when and how UEFA had fallen off the bus re: football and the stylish variety. Until it discovered, however, that Europe's Premier Football Magazine was referring to the said coach's dress sense, rather than his footballing ideology. Quite a relief really, considering his Real Madrid have been about as stylish as a 1950's military bus.

Managerial Merry-Go-Rounds

The next delusional hero to step into the Azzurri hotseat is, according to reports, none other than Carlo Ancelotti, assuming the planned capitulation to the might of Scotland's finest goes ahead next Wednesday. Milan coach Ancelotti will, quite naturally, be replaced by Marcelo Lippi, once reported to have done something with Italy at some stage in his career. Amongst fixing matches, and jumping ships. Present incumbent Roberto Donadoni is said to be taking Lippi's place on the unemployment bench, quite nicely completing the love triangle. And eagerly awaiting his opportunity to take over AC Milan when Lippi gets the bump. Deja vú anybody?

Chelsea Scouting Oliviera For Dream Defense.

Left off the Heroes list when he really should have been first is Atalanta's 'keeper Alex Calderoni who, along with Ricardo Olivieria, did a fine job ensuring Milan only got one goal into the back of the net. Meanwhile, reports Chelsea are scouting Oliviera as their preferred centre back pairing next to John Terry have gathered pace after the Milan striker's all action-defensive display made him outshine all four of Atalanta's first choice defenders. Atalanta coach, Stefano Colantuono, praised the Brazilian's efforts: "He was fantastic, the whole game. Every wave of Milan attacks was repelled by an Oliviera clearance into row Z... smashing stuff. But why was he in red?"

Unlucky Loser Of The Week

Hours after exciting youth prospect Raffaele 'Del Piero' Palladino hit a hat-trick against the might of Triestina, Juventus were being linked with every forward and his dog. Except Miroslav Klose, who revealed that a new contract offered by Werder had enough 'incentives' to keep him there, proving the world isn't full of romantics and there is still the odd money-mercenary around to keep everything in balance (are you watching Lucas Neill?). A tad frustrating for the young Italian striker, who can't understand why his club would prefer Fernando Torres to himself. Don't worry Raffaele, neither can anybody else.

Milan's 'petit Zidane', Yoann Gourcuff, was another left scratching his head wondering why he's playing football when he could be playing table tennis, and actually getting himself on the team sheet. Quite why Ancelotti chose to put on Guiseppe Favalli in place of Gourcuff in the midst of a game crying out for a creative spark is not clear, but then neither is Manchester United's admiration of Señor F. Torres.

So with two mentions in this week's Unlucky Loser Award, the magnificently mulleted Fernando Torres takes the honours. Which is probably about all he's going to get his hands on, so somebody ring him and tell the chap, would you?

---

Questions, comments and conspiracies to: theitalianspot@yahoo.com

Heroes and Zeros

Heroes

Massimo Ambrosini

The forgotten man of Milan popped up with another decisive winner against Atalanta. A 40th minute header was enough to ensure their neighbours from Bergamo secure their Consistently Crap Away Award for another week.

Raffaelle Palladino

The Juve hotshot hit his first hat trick for the old lady in a 5-1 victory against a pub side from the depths of Serie C2, or wherever it is that Juventus play these dark days. Reports that Luciano Moggi was refereeing the match are yet to be confirmed, though even that would not take the shine off a fine performance by the youngster.

Ascoli

For having the decency to let Inter beat them. Bottom table teams can sometimes pop up a crocker for the big clubs (read: the red and black half). Apparently Inter deserve a mention too, but nobody really cares about them anyway.

Palermo

Playing in pink shirts takes some guts. Unless you're Italian, in which case it's perfectly masculine. Or something. Seems to work however, and Real Madrid are reportedly going to follow suit. Or shirt. Or underpants.

Lazio

Claudio Lotito's men seem to have forgotten they're still supposed to be in dire financial straits and are instead, quite indignantly, playing some fine football. Which is quite frustrating since The Italian Spot would like to see the Rossoneri in the champion league places, but is quite convenient for The Italian Spot, seeing the Romans halted Empoli's delusion rise to the money.

Fransisco Guidolin

For surviving another week under the mafia-friendly, trigger-happy finger of Maurizio Zamparini

Zeros

Fransisco Guidolin

For endorsing a team that plays in pink shirts. And having to endure another week under the mafia-friendly, trigger-happy Maurizio Zamparini.

Parma

The prospect of playing Albinoleffe next season in front of 12 supporters was enough to propel Claudio Ranieri's men to a 1-0 victory, but probably not enough to avoid a trip to Albinoleffe next season in front of... why, 12 supporters.

Catania

In the not too distant past the islanders were sitting nicely in the Champions League places. Losing 4-1 at home to Reggina probably didn't help. A recent search and rescue effort by The Italian Spot found the Sicilians wallowing in the murky depths of mid-table obscurity. With Atletico Madrid.

Livorno

A 4-0 reverse is not usually the best day at the office as anyone from Athletic Bilbao will tell you. Even worse if the perpetrators are Udinese, another side who have been struggling for form, goals, pretty women at their matches, and some purpose in their season. Marco Amelia, Milan is waiting (ok, so they may not have the first two or the last one, but the women, certainly). Livorno, so is Serie B.

Robert Mugabe

Got a little lost and ended up in an Italian Football blog, but while he's here it's worth saying the man is, quite simply, a muppet.

---

Questions, comments and conspiracies to: theitalianspot@yahoo.com

Of Austrians, the English, and 0-0 draws.

The Italian Spot is madly studying for an exam, but we'll be back tomorrow for the Heroes and Zeros of another mad week of our beloved Serie A.

And a quick note for the hecklers out there (yes, you ignorant English press, we're looking at you), the December/January issue of Champions kindly informs us that there were 991 goals scored in the Italian Serie A last season, the highest of ALL the European leagues. For those who care, the Austrian Bundesliga brought up the rear with 472. A UEFA insider reportedly told The Italian Spot that England pushed Austria all the way. And maybe he didn't. Anybody for a 0-0 on a wet Manchester night?

---

Questions, comments and conspiracies to: theitalianspot@yahoo.com